William Herbert "Skip" Boyer, 32°
15817 N. 6th Place
Phoenix, Arizona 85022
skip.boyer@bestwestern.com

Remembered today as an author and humorist, in his day, Brother Samuel L. Clemens, known popularly as "Mark Twain," was one of the most successful public speakers on the circuit.

All the good stuff happened before we were born, and I, for one, resent it. What would you give to have been in the audience at Cooper’s Union when Lincoln gave the speech that established his presidential candidacy? Or when Marc Anthony eulogized Caesar? Or when Robert E. Lee said farewell to his troops? Imagine being in a crowded House of Commons when William Pitt the Younger argued for the abolition of the slave trade. Feel the controversy, the electricity, the sense of destiny!

Instead, we get 10-second sound bytes that say little and mean less. I can’t help feeling we’ve been cheated. Near the head of my list, is a dinner party held at Delmonico’s in New York on December 5, 1905, to honor the 70th birthday of Masonic Brother Samuel Langhorne Clemens, a member of Polar Star Lodge No. 79, St. Louis, Missouri, who is better known by his pen name, Mark Twain.

Brother Mark Twain (right) was born on November 30, 1835. No writer in history was more in demand as a speaker. Remembered today as an author and humorist, in his own day he was one of the most successful public speakers on the circuit. As he freely admitted, he loved to hear himself talk, largely because he got so much moral instruction out of it.

Brother Mark was in rare form at that memorable birthday party. He began, as most good speakers do, at the beginning. "I have had a great many birthdays in my time," he pointed out. "I remember the first one very well, and I always think of it with indignation; everything was so crude, unaesthetic, primeval.... I hadn’t any hair, hadn’t any teeth, I hadn’t any clothes. I had to go to my first banquet just like that."

After discussing the downside of being born, he began to answer the eternal question—How does one get to be 70? "I will now teach," he told the glittering audience, "offering my way of life to whomsoever desires to commit suicide by the scheme which has enabled me to beat the doctor and the hangman for 70 years. Some of the details may sound untrue, but they are not. I am not here to deceive; I am here to teach."

He reviewed the habits of lifetime—diet, smoking, drinking and morals. This is probably a good place to remind you that the idea of being politically correct would have convulsed Twain in spasms of laughter.

"I have made it a rule never to smoke more than one cigar at a time. I have no other restriction as regards smoking.... As an example to others, and not that I care for moderation myself, it has always been my rule never to smoke when asleep, and never to refrain when awake. I will grant that I have stopped smoking now and then, for a few months at a time, but it was not on principle, it was only to show off, it was to pulverize those critics who said I was a slave to my habits and couldn’t break my bonds."

The same rules, sort of, applied to drinking.

"As for drinking, I have no rule about that. When the others drink I like to help; otherwise I remain dry, by habit and preference. This dryness does not hurt me, but it could easily hurt you, because you are different. You let it alone." Twain reminded his listeners that "We can’t reach old age by another man’s road. My habits protect my life, but they would assassinate you."

He followed his practices right up until his death at 22 minutes before 6 p.m. on April 21, 1910, when his voice—if not his opinions—was silenced forever.

Still, wouldn’t it be wonderful to sit quietly in the back of the room again as Bro. Mark steps to podium, knocks the ash from his cigar, and announces with a perfectly straight face that "it could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress."

William H. Boyer is the senior public relations officer of Best Western International, Inc. He is a member of Paradise Valley–Silver Trowel Lodge No. 29, Phoenix, Arizona, and serves as editor of the Lodge’s Trestle Board, where this article was originally published. Also see page 14 of this issue. He is a member of the Philalethes Society and writes a regular column in the society’s popular magazine. He is a Chevalier of the Order of DeMolay and also a member of the Brotherhood of the Blue Forget-Me-Not and the Scottish Rite Bodies of Phoenix, Arizona. A native of Omaha, Nebraska, he holds the prestigious Accredited Business Communicator (ABC) designation from the International Association of Business Communicators and has earned more than 70 regional and national awards for his writing and editorial work.