Jack E. Nixson, 33°
S.G.I.G. in Wyoming, Chairman, Subcommittee on Family Life Program
PO Box 698, Wheatland, Wyoming 82201
Robert Fulghum wrote the best-selling
book All I Really Need To Know I Learned in Kindergarten.
Humorously but clearly, he emphasizes kindergarten teaches you
to share everything, play fair, don't hit people, put things back
where you find them, clean up your own mess, don't take things
that aren't yours, say you're sorry when you hurt somebody, wash
your hands before you eat, take naps, eat warm cookies, and drink
cold milk. All this is good for you. In addition, you should learn
some, think some, draw some, paint some, sing some, dance some,
play some, and work some everyday. And when you go out into the
world, watch out for traffic, hold hands, and stick together.
Simple, gifted words that speak uncommonly great wisdom.
Unfortunately, family members are not always inclined to do these
things, for first and foremost, each person in a family is an
individual and, regardless of age and distinguishing characteristics,
some members will get caught up in egotism and the inequities
of life.
Families consist of children, parents, grandparents, and all gradations in between. Their life together is an ongoing journey, often stressful and challenging, but ultimately joyful and rewarding. While many factors can lead to dysfunctional families, there are a far greater number of functioning, happy families of a traditional nature. Yet they, too, occasionally border on social discordance. This group is reasonably well adjusted, but personal or family misfortunes can produce breakdowns. Among such problems are family illnesses, unwanted pregnancies, cost of raising a family or attending college, worries over children's safety at school, or concerns about children's mental attitudes. Any of these might precipitate a crisis.
Recently, I heard Ms. Joni Bennett, Nebraska's Grand Matron, Order of the Eastern Star, discuss the consciousness of children. She does this by recollecting a test given to first graders. The children were asked to respond by finishing the missing portions of these old and well-known proverbs. Of the various responses, these were the best. The test went like this:
Are the responses wrong? Absolutely not. In fact some may be better than the original traditional completions of each phrase. But they demonstrate that children analyze differently than adults. Ms. Bennett then carried similar thinking to adults involved in Masonry. She said: "In Eastern Star, we have a certain way to pray. You will notice that some hold their hands like this, while others position their hands like this. Is one way right and the other wrong? How do Masons pray? Do you cross your arms with the right arm on top or do you have the left arm on top? Does it really matter?"
One of the phrases you hear most often from the older generation is "We've never done it that way before." In truth, if you're accustomed to crossing your arms one way, it doesn't feel right to cross them another way. But is it wrong? To the ritual purist, there probably is a correct way, but by common sense reasoning, it really doesn't matter.
In raising children, parents have a tremendous responsibility. If they are good parents, they will shower their children with unconditional love, govern as little as possible, and listen to what children have to say. They may be trying to tell you something. They may be calling for help! As one parenting specialist said: "When kids reach teenage, its time for parents to shut up and listen!" That does not mean to acquiesce to demands, but in the eyes of young people, if adults listen, they at least demonstrate a sense of fair play. When establishing personal values, young people pay a great deal of attention to the actions of parents, whether parents realize it or not. The old adage of "Do as I say and not as I do" may have worked in another age, but it isn't likely to carry much weight today. You really can't mold children's lives for the better by asking them to exhibit standards their parents continually break or avoid.
There isn't an absolute right or wrong way to raise a family, for there isn't a perfect model. There are helpful clues, but nothing more, and most young couples "fly by the seat of their pants" in trying to find the magic way. Unfortunately, guidelines change. If there is more than one child, each will be different in parenting needs.
Kids tend to resist things they are told they must do, so parents invent ways to encourage them. One of the more unique and successful methods of encouragement is introduced in the book Parenting with Love and Logic. The authors, Dr. Foster W. Cline, a child/adult psychiatrist, and Jim Fay, an educational consultant, admit there is nothing in parenting that works every time. If instead of over-protecting children, however, parents permit them to make mistakes at an early age and suffer the consequences, children will likely make better choices the next time around. The book cites as an example, the smart-mouthed pre-school boy wising off to an older, bigger boy. If mom and pop grit their teeth and let the teaching begin, their son will learn a major, affordable lesson in respect. It may cost a bloody nose or black eye, for experience always extracts payment, but if accountability is learned, the value of the lesson is immeasurable. If the lesson is postponed until later in life, the result may be a dangerous, brutal confrontation.
Mom and pop also learn a great lesson. "Everything in family life is not always going to be perfect." For each individual, regardless of age, responds to family life differently.